This is one of the hardest decisions families ever face. Whether it’s the right one for you depends on a lot of specifics this page can’t see, but if it’s the direction things are going, please do not try to DIY the legal piece. A wrong move (changing the locks unilaterally, removing their belongings, blocking their entry to a residence where they have legal standing) can backfire in ways that hurt your case, your finances, and sometimes your custody.
This page is an overview, not legal advice. The right next step in almost every case is a free consultation with a legal aid organization, a domestic violence advocate, or a family law clinic, links below.
The relationship matters legally
The rules differ significantly based on who the person is to you and what their legal standing in the household is.
Adult child living with you
You can ask them to leave. Whether you can make them leave depends on how long they’ve been there and what the state’s tenancy rules look like.
- If they’ve been living with you long enough (varies by state, often 30 days or more) and have been “treated as a tenant” (received mail there, kept belongings there, contributed to bills), they may have tenancy rights even without a written lease. That means formal eviction proceedings may be required to remove them legally, even if they’re your own kid.
- Do not change the locks, throw their belongings out, or shut off utilities to force them out. This is called “self-help eviction” and is illegal in most states regardless of relationship. It can result in fines, civil liability, and an order requiring you to let them back in, exactly the opposite of what you were trying to do.
- Formal eviction is generally a court process: notice to quit (a specific number of days, varies by state), filing if they don’t leave, hearing, and a court-ordered removal if the judge agrees. It typically takes weeks to months, depending on jurisdiction.
For situations involving violence or threats, a protective order (below) can move much faster than eviction.
Spouse or partner
More complicated. Generally, you cannot remove a spouse from a shared residence without a court order, even if the home is in your name or you pay the bills. Options that may apply:
- Separation: formal or informal. A formal legal separation can include exclusive use of the residence as part of the order.
- Divorce filings: can include temporary orders for exclusive use of the home while the case proceeds.
- Protective order (also called restraining order, order of protection, depending on state), if there’s been violence, threats, harassment, stalking, or in some states certain other behavior, you can file in court for an order that may include removing the person from the residence and barring contact. Available in every state. Free to file, in most places. Courthouses often have DV advocates who help walk you through the paperwork.
Speed-wise: protective orders for emergencies can issue same-day in many jurisdictions. Divorce-related orders take longer.
Roommate on the lease
Landlord-tenant law applies. If they’re on the lease, the landlord (not you) usually has to be the one to start eviction. Talk to your landlord, many will work with you if there’s documented behavior they don’t want in the unit either.
If they’re not on the lease but you let them stay, the same “treated as a tenant” rules from the adult-child situation may apply. Talk to legal aid.
Their name is on the lease/mortgage, yours isn’t
Talk to legal aid before doing anything. Removing yourself from the home may be the safer option than trying to remove them; in any case, the legal next steps are very specific to local law and you need someone who knows your state.
Protective orders
A protective order is a civil court order, free to file in most jurisdictions, available in every state. Depending on the situation it can:
- Order the person to stay a specific distance away from you, your kids, your home, your workplace, your kids’ school.
- Order them to leave the shared residence and not return.
- Award temporary custody of children.
- Order them to surrender firearms.
- Prohibit contact (in-person, phone, text, social media, through third parties).
Standards for issuing vary by state, but generally require some documented behavior (violence, threats, harassment, stalking). Many states also allow “emergency” or “ex parte” orders that issue same-day without the other person present, then schedule a hearing within a couple of weeks where both sides appear.
Violating a protective order is a crime. Police take violations seriously in most jurisdictions, which is the practical value, it converts a civil disagreement into something law enforcement will respond to.
How to file: courthouse (county or family court, depending on state). Many have walk-in DV advocates who help you fill out paperwork and explain the process. You do not need a lawyer to file a protective order. Most people file pro se.
To find help filing in your area:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (text “START” to 88788). Will connect you with local DV resources and advocates.
- WomensLaw.org: state-by-state guides on protective orders, despite the name they help all genders.
Free and low-cost legal help
You don’t need to hire a private family law attorney to navigate this in most cases. There’s a real free-legal-help infrastructure in the US, mostly underused.
- Legal Services Corporation (lsc.gov): federally funded legal aid. Has a “find legal aid” tool by zip code that shows the legal aid org for your area.
- LawHelp.org: state-by-state directory of free legal resources, self-help packets, and legal aid orgs.
- Pro Bono Net: connects people to volunteer lawyers for specific issues.
- Law school family law clinics: most law schools run free clinics where supervised students handle real cases. Family law and housing are common clinic areas. Search “[your state] law school family law clinic.”
- Domestic violence advocates at courthouses: many courthouses have free advocates specifically for protective order filings. Often the fastest help available.
- State bar lawyer referral services: most state bars have a referral service that offers a low-cost (often $35–$50) initial consultation with a private attorney.
A few hard truths
Making someone leave is one of the hardest things you can do. It often comes with a lot of grief, doubt, and second-guessing. The grief is real and deserves space. The doubt is normal and doesn’t mean you’re making the wrong call. The second-guessing is what therapy and support groups are partly for.
It is not abandoning them. Continuing to provide a stable home for someone in active dependence, particularly if that home environment is enabling, or unsafe, or being destroyed, is not “supporting their recovery.” Sometimes the most loving thing is creating the conditions where they have to make their own next decision. Sometimes those conditions include not being in your house.
It does not necessarily end the relationship. A protective order, an eviction, a divorce, none of these things permanently severs the underlying relationship if both people later want it repaired. They are operational tools to deal with the current situation, not statements about whether you’ll ever speak again.
Talk to people who have done it. Family-side support groups, Nar-Anon, SMART F&F, Learn to Cope, are full of people who have made exactly this decision and can tell you what it looked like on the other side. Whatever you’re feeling about it, someone in those rooms has felt it.
Where to read next
- Safety: when “leave” is “leave today”
- Taking Care of Yourself: therapy and grief support during and after
- Support Groups: peers who have been here