The word boundary gets used in a lot of confusing ways. Here is the version that works, distilled from the family therapy tradition and the CRAFT framework:
A boundary is what you will do, not what they must do.
A request for someone else to change their behavior is a request. A demand is a demand. Neither is a boundary, and neither is something you can enforce.
A boundary is a decision you make about what you will accept in your own life. The other person is free to do whatever they were going to do; the boundary determines what you will do in response. That’s the part you can control.
Examples
| Not a boundary (you can’t enforce it) | Boundary (you can do it) |
|---|---|
| “You can’t use in our house." | "If I find use in our house, I will sleep at my sister’s." |
| "You have to stop spending our money on this." | "I’m separating our finances. You will not have access to my account starting Friday." |
| "You can’t lie to me anymore." | "When I catch you in a lie, I’m not going to argue. I’ll end the conversation and we can try again tomorrow." |
| "You need to stop calling me high." | "If you call me high, I’ll say I love you, and I’ll hang up. Call me when you’re sober." |
| "You can’t drive with the kids." | "You will not be in a car with our kids unless I’m certain you’re sober. I’ll drive, or we’ll Uber, or we won’t go.” |
Notice what changed. In every case, the boundary version names a behavior you’ll do, not one they have to do. They might still call you high, lie to you, use in the house. The boundary determines what happens next.
The advantage of this framing
Two reasons.
First, it removes the leverage they don’t have over you. When the boundary is “you must stop,” every interaction is a referendum on whether they did. Every fight is about whether they “broke” the rule. The relationship turns into surveillance. With a boundary you can act on, you’re not policing them, you’re just living by your own decisions, and they can adjust or not.
Second, it makes follow-through possible. “You can’t use in our house” requires enforcement that doesn’t exist (you can’t physically prevent it). “I will sleep elsewhere if I find use” only requires you to pack a bag. You can always do the thing you said you’d do, regardless of their cooperation.
Boundaries only work if you follow through
This is the hard part. A boundary you don’t follow through on isn’t a boundary, it’s a threat, and empty threats teach the people around you that your stated limits aren’t real. The first time it costs you something to follow through, that’s the moment that defines whether the boundary exists.
Don’t set a boundary you can’t or won’t enforce. It’s better to have one boundary you’ll keep than five you’ll back down on.
If you find yourself constantly backing down: that’s information, not failure. It usually means either the boundary was too big for where you are right now (set a smaller one), or there’s a fear about what happens if you follow through that’s worth talking about with a therapist or a support group like Nar-Anon or SMART F&F.
Common boundaries family members find useful
These are not prescriptions. They’re examples of things that have worked for people. Yours will be specific to your situation.
- Money. Not giving cash. Not paying off debts run up by use. Not co-signing new loans. Separating accounts if you share them. Removing them as an authorized user on your cards.
- Lying to others on their behalf. Not calling their employer with excuses. Not telling their friends or family they’re “fine.” Not covering for missed obligations.
- Use in shared spaces. Not allowing use in your home, your car, around your kids.
- Driving. Not riding with them when you suspect use. Not letting them drive your kids.
- Phone calls and texts. Ending calls when they’re high. Not responding to abusive texts. Setting hours when you’re available and hours when you’re not.
- Hosting. Not having them stay over, or in your home, when they’re actively using. (See Asking Them to Leave the House if they live with you and this is on the table.)
- Emergencies. Calling 911 if their use puts them or anyone else in physical danger, every time, without warning.
Notice that none of these requires them to change. They’re all things you decide and do.
”Detaching with love”
This is the Al-Anon phrase that’s easy to misunderstand. It does not mean cutting them off, refusing to speak, withdrawing emotionally. It means staying connected to the person while disconnecting from the chaos, being warm, available, honest, present, while declining to be sucked into the dramas, rescues, financial bleeds, and emotional storms that the dependence generates.
You can love someone fiercely and not lend them money. You can stay close to someone and refuse to lie for them. You can be the person they call when they’re ready for help and the person who hangs up when they’re calling high. None of those contradictions are contradictions.
Boundaries are not punishment
This sometimes feels cruel. It is not. You are not abandoning them by refusing to fund the use that’s killing them. You’re not withdrawing love by hanging up when they’re high. You’re modeling what consequences look like in a world where, eventually, every using person runs into consequences they can’t out-charm. The kindest thing you can do, in the long arc, is not insulate them from the impact of their choices, while making it crystal clear that the relationship is intact and the door is open the moment they want to come through it.
A note on guilt
Many family members report feeling guilty the first time they hold a boundary that costs the using person something. The guilt is real and usually unfounded. You did not cause the dependence. You are not extending the dependence by refusing to feed it. You are not “the reason” something bad happened to them when you stopped rescuing, the rescue was always a temporary patch on a problem that needed real intervention.
If the guilt is overwhelming: that’s a sign you should be doing this with support, not alone. Therapy, a CRAFT-trained counselor, or a family-and-friends peer support group all exist for this. Holding boundaries is the part most people can’t do solo. That’s not weakness, it’s just the design of the problem.
Where to read next
- Safety: You and Your Kids Come First: when boundaries aren’t enough
- Asking Them to Leave the House: when the boundary is “you can’t live here anymore”
- Taking Care of Yourself: boundaries are easier to keep when your own life is intact